Hey Gail and Alysa!

Sorry it's been so long since I've been around. I read your message in August that you were shutting the press down, and I was sad . . . but I didn't know how to respond . . . so I did what I do best: avoid!

Anyway, the book is coming very, very slowly, and I'm having a hard time writing it at all. I guess Alysa may be able to empathize with this, but it's really hard to put myself emotionally back in the place that I was in when I was experiencing anorexia and bulimia and rampant self-harm. I get sad and angry all over again! Which makes me want to avoid those feelings . . . by cutting! For the most part, I've been able to hold out, but I turn to shopping as a way of avoiding writing and to feel better (for a very, VERY brief period of time), which drives my husband crazy (spending money triggers his anxiety and anger)!

All that to say, I think I'm going crazy! How are you guys?!?!?

Hey Elaina, glad you stopped by. My not stopping by or posting at all seems to have stopped the flow of traffic even. Just now, coming back here--for whatever reason--I began getting panicky. Maybe cuz I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing now, or why? And this "project" looms unfinished to me (the press itself). I think I actually feel like I'm just putting finishing touches on my life before letting that go, too. (No, not talking suicide .)

Gotta put some links here related to some new therapy for trauma. (Even without PTSD, Elaina, I'm sure you can find things that relate, too.) It's about re-setting the amygdala's regulation to appropriate vibratory speeds kinda? Says--and lotsa evidence of this, and logic to it--that during trauma, the whole fear/flight/freeze thing happens (same as animals) but humans usually don't follow through with the whole natural process, like animals do (either being killed or winding down again). Anyway, do check this out. It's called SRT (Self Regulation Therapy), think it was developed in Canada. If I woulda had that decades ago, I think my whole life woulda been different.

http://www.cftre.com/srt.php

http://slacombe.myshrink.ca/srtlong.html

Maybe during your book process, Elaina, when those feelings come up, you can try to build some new neural pathways somehow, like this therapy suggests?? Haven't learned enough to know if folk can actually do this on their own, though ... But do you HAVE TO go back to those same emotional spaces in order to write about them? Or does it just happen, you can't control that? These things do get snarly, I think.

And the shopping instead of SI??? I can't get that, but I guess it makes sense if it's all about "addictions." I said before that my own SI was not addiction, and it didn't seem to be at all, how that worked.
But then again, for the past...what? year? more? ... I HAVE been picking at my arms kinda helplessly. And I guess I don't mean moderately either. I'll admit it's to the point of compulsion/addiction or something. And to the point where I really can't go out without covering my arms . But this is all new to me. I think there is SO MUCH we don't know (MOST of it?) about any of this stuff.

And Alysa! You of the formal PTSD--we do wanna know what you think of all this, too (including SRT)!

Nice to "talk" to you both again .

Hey Authors all: Justine is working on getting royalty statements together for you. I don't think you can expect anything Scott and Heather, sorry. Your books just aren't moving. Alysa, remember that the amount has to be over $500 for a pay-out? I truly don't know if yours is past that mark or not yet, but we'll soon see. Yours is moving steadily at Amazon (small to medium amounts, but it's steady at least) . Scott, what's happening with the excerpt of Outlet being published?

I don't think I've got any of your new addresses though, so please send those on if you want the statements !

Just got an email from Alysa and don't think she'd mind me spreading her great news here . First, how's she been doing with self-injury?

Anyway, so the more time goes by, the stranger it feels to me that I lived through a bunch of that stuff. Like, it's totally foreign to me now to want to pick up a toenail clipper and slice into my arm. Sometimes I think about it, but I can't imagine bearing the pain of it all... Weird.



PLUS, she gets wonderful validation, personally and professionally !

In other news, I won a fellowship from the DART Center for Journalism and Trauma. It was in November in Chicago, and it was the best week of my professional life. The fellowship is awarded to journalists who exhibit knowledge or interest in covering trauma. I was one of 10 selected in the world, so I was there getting to know journalists from Australia, New Zealand, Great Britain and South America, not to mention all over the US. For the first time in I think MY LIFE, I felt like I could merge my professional life and my personal life. I felt completely VALIDATED.

I also was promoted in December to Regional Editor, so I now make nearly twice what I was earning in Arizona... It's a lot of work, though.

A GREAT BIG CONGRATS, ALYSA!

Yay Alysa!!!! Congrats on the raise; that's freakin' awesome! Anyway, what is the DART Center for Journalism and Trauma? How long is/was it? What do you do after it? Details, details . . .

I think I'll wander over to Facebook and ask Alysa to drop by and answer you ??? Maybe she's now afraid of getting ticketed or something if she comes here ???
I want some details also, but will also try to find some links to info for you, Elaina.

OK, so clearly no one has been in here for a couple of eons. Are you guys still out there? Can we still chat?

No?

Well, I'm still in dusty, dry New Mexico, tearing up the Navajo reservation... and my car, consequently. Things have settled down emotionally a bit, or so I think, then suddenly all the crap rears up again.

Any thoughts on that?

Anyone?

Ok, well have a nice day and drive carefully.

Wow, just on a whim, I was looking over this old site, but still almost didn't check forums cuz yeah, it's been so dead so long. Thanks for remembering the press? I said before it's gone into coma, but I'm just in denial I think. I mean, it's not even breathing at all, which does suggest something... Hell, I think it's already even beginning to stink? But yeah, I can tell you from my own experience that to some extent at least, trauma effects seem cyclical.

Not long ago I reached the point of absolutely giving up. On everything. Completely. so then I realized that alone qualified me for something: I joined Al-Anon. I found a great group of others who've been through shit, who I can be real with, enough to keep me sane... Blows me away how deep the simplest things in these programs can go, makes me wonder why I didn't do this years ago. (Not just my family but I've tended to get into co-dependency in other areas, too.) But I guess I kept thinking well, I've only tried a thousand different ways; I can't just give up, what about a thousand and ONE... I'm taking care of myself by pretty much not having contact with my family of origin at all (even my 80-some-year-old declining mother, except for some of them holidays). Enough of their subtle passive-aggression, emotional and verbal abuse (and I finally admitted I can't expect anything else).

One revelation I've had? One that I probably should've picked up on over 15 years ago--when my first therapist said I was giving away my power by being too open and honest? I feel so dumb cuz this is so simple and apparent. But it's true that it flat-out does not work to be open and honest with people whose intentions are dishonest--consciously or un-. And unfortunately, that seems to be most? (Or maybe my previous experiences have jaded me?)

Anyway, good to hear from you. Was your "and drive carefully" your old sense of wry ironic humor I always enjoyed? I hope so !